7 Essential Questions to Shape Your Goals and Create The Life You Want

After the first full moon of the year, a time of illumination and clearing the past, I am ready to create my vision for the year ahead. I do this by 1) writing a letter as my future self describing the year with lots of detail about what it felt like and 2) choosing themes/words for each quarter or area of my life (Many do a word for the year. Do what feels best for you). Once I have my vision, I create the goals to guide the actions I want to take to reach my vision.  

Setting a goal sounds simple, but making effective and achievable goals is not always easy. Sometimes, our thinking mind gives us goals based on external socialization, reflecting what we think we "should" be doing, not what we want to do. You can avoid this pitfall and build powerful goals by asking yourself a few questions.

Question #1: What do I want?

"What do I want?" may be an obvious first question, though answering it takes a bit more work than we give it credit for.

Stating your desire may sound simple, but acknowledging what you want is sometimes difficult. The difficulty may arise because you, like many women, were taught not to recognize your needs and desires. Women learn to prioritize the needs of others over their own and that expressing their desires is selfish or damaging to their family or community. You push through your to-do list or carpool to your kid’s events despite being exhausted, your body screaming for sleep. 

Try shifting your mindset to see that you can best serve your family, community, and the world when you're thriving and well cared for. You’ll need to repeat this over and over before it sinks in. Try a sticky note on your mirror. Keep repeating it, and it will sink in as a belief.

Wants and desires may also be onerous to claim because there may be an opportunity cost that is difficult to acknowledge. For example, want to spend more time dancing, painting, or hiking, but that means you aren't available to take on that big project at work. Or, if you want to take on a new leadership role at work, you may need to adjust household responsibilities. You may be nervous about what your partner will think about changing how housework is shared or the financial strain of outsourcing it. These are valid concerns, but they shouldn’t silence your desires. 

When defining your goals, don't censor yourself because of these downstream events. If a desire pops into your mind, but your thoughts quickly jump to "I can't," notice it and put the "I can't" aside for now by acknowledging the fear and giving yourself compassion. 

Sometimes, what we think we want is just one possible means to what we really want. For example, you may think you want to lose weight, but what you really want is to feel sexy. Acknowledging the underlying motivation opens new possibilities. What are all the ways to feel sexier? Lots more than losing weight!

Lastly, frame your wants and desires in the positive rather than the negative. For example, "I want to feel that my work has meaning" is more valuable than stating, "I don't want to do work that doesn't have an impact." Positive framing helps your subconscious mind find what it is looking for—passion and meaning—and prevents it from focusing on your current lack of impact, which keeps you stuck. 

Question #2: How will you know when you have met your goal?

Some goals have obvious endpoints—losing 10 pounds or running a marathon—while others may be vague, like being more confident, playing more, and being a better friend. When we use SMART goals (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Timebound), we may shun goals with vague outcomes because we don't think they are measurable.  However, there are other clues that you can use to let us know you met our goal. 

To figure out how you’ll know you’ve met a goal with a fuzzier endpoint, think about how you will feel and act when you've met your goal. What will be different about how you experience the world after you've met your goal? What will others be saying about you after you've met your goal? 

One of my emerging themes for 2025 is play (I'll write more about play in a future blog to explain why this is a theme/goal). A goal of mine is to play more - kitchen dance parties, game nights with friends, and maybe even bring out some kid games like hopscotch; it's still evolving. If I achieve the goal, I will feel more open and free in the present moment. I will laugh more and find opportunities for spontaneous fun more freely. People will say I laugh and am present when I am with them, and they recognize in me an ability to be both serious and silly. 

Filling out the picture of who you will be once you meet your goal using as many senses as possible creates a whole sensory experience that helps you know when you've reached your goal. More importantly, it trains your subconscious mind to find what you seek. 

Question #3: Does achieving this goal align with your values?

Living aligned with our values is key to living a life of ease and purpose. Our values reflect our core beliefs and are consistent over time. If you haven't spent time defining your 4-5 core values, I recommend you do so. There are online resources that can guide you through determining your values. 

Choosing a goal that isn't aligned with your values is a sure sign that the goal won't be met or will be really very difficult to achieve. The goals arising from "shoulds" are usually not aligned with our values. I should do more weight training. The only way I will get to strength training is to align it with my values of growth and love. Being healthier longer will allow me to continue to grow through intellectual exploration and physical adventures like travel. It will support me in being connected to my family and friends as I age and doing work that puts more love into the world. It’s still not super easy for me to do, but at least the reason for doing it is grounded in something that makes sense to my brain. 

Question #4: Is achieving what you desire within your control?

A goal is entirely in your control when only your actions, not someone else's actions, will influence the outcome. For example, I might set a goal to book five new clients in the year’s first quarter. This may sound like a reasonable business goal, but I have little control over someone signing up for coaching. Thus, accomplishing the goal isn’t just up to me.

Instead, I want to think about what I have control over that can move me toward the goal of five new clients during the first quarter. A better goal for me is to take the actions that will support onboarding new clients, like improving my marketing or gaining skills in managing discovery calls, etc. You may want that promotion, but another person or committee decides whether you get it or not. Instead of making promotion your goal, your goal could be to communicate your interest in the promotion or to ask for honest feedback about how your skills align with the new role and then fill in any gaps. You get the idea: make your goals things that you have total control over. Then, let the goals move you toward your vision, which you may have less control over, and accept what happens along the way. 

Question #5: What are the costs and consequences of obtaining this goal? Are they acceptable? 

Any change impacts others and takes time and mental energy, even if the change is just how you act. Some goals will take financial resources or create significant shifts in your relationships. These costs and consequences don't need to deter you from your goal, but addressing them in advance can set you up for greater success in the future. If your goal is to climb Mount Kilimanjaro, training and travel will take financial resources and time. Your partner may have no desire to do this with you. Whether you fear that they won't support your goal or are confident they will, have a conversation with those impacted by it about your goal and what it will mean for you and them. How can you co-create your life to meet both of your needs?

Question #6: Do you have all the necessary resources to achieve your goal? 

Resources may include time, money, relationships, skills, certification, equipment, etc. What do you need, and how will you get it? Acquiring the resources may be a smaller goal on the way to your bigger goal. Celebrate as you take each step closer to meeting your big, audacious goal. 

Question #7: What could prevent you from achieving your goal, and how will you deal with it if/when it arises? 

If you've considered all these questions, your path to success is well-formed, but you can count on things not going as planned—they rarely ever do. The unexpected will happen, which will take up time and resources and strain your motivation to reach your goal. Can you anticipate some of the potential pain points and roadblocks? If none pop into your mind quickly, that’s fine. There is no need to catastrophize and plan for worst-case scenarios. The simple process of anticipating the unexpected and trusting that you can overcome it when the time comes will bring you closer to your goal. 

Also, change is hard; there is a natural pullback to the status quo. When that happens, be kind to yourself. Recognize it and recommit to your goal. You can minimize the pullback to the status quo by creating systems that support the new behaviors. What systems can you put in place that make it easier for you to do what gets you closer to your goal and harder to do what moves you away from it? For example, if your goal is to take more breaks while at work, you could put the breaks on your calendar or set up your office in such a way that you have to get up and move. Not keeping snacks in my desk drawer would help me get up at least twice daily when my energy is draining and I reach for a treat. 

You may not execute your goal as you had planned. Imagine the grace you will give yourself when you find your human self off track. The point is to progress in achieving your goals, not to do it perfectly. 

Goals are structures that help us move toward the vision of life we seek. They are tools in service to creating the life we want. A goal, like any tool, is not the end result. If your goals no longer align with your vision and values, drop them and move on. Recalibrate. You created the goal and can release it when it no longer serves you. 

Happy goal-making! May your 2025 be filled with delight, joy, peace, love, and freedom.