Moving from fear to love

During the holidays and in the coming new year, we hope our houses will be filled with joy and laughter. But mixed in between the sweet sounds will be family and friends experiencing difficult times, experiencing pain. It is hard to bear witness to our loved ones' pain. 

Often, the response is to shut it out or try to rescue the person and fix the problem. Both of these responses are birthed out of fear. 

My historical response to most people’s pain was to shut it out, fearing that I'd say the wrong thing or that by acknowledging the person's pain, I may add to it, shame them, or keep them stuck there. When I was in the presence of others asking, verbally or non-verbally, to be witnessed in their pain, my inability to see this led me to be disconnected from them and the present moment.

For many high-achieving women, the response is to rescue and fix. This is often where I want to go when my children are in pain. The rescuing response is the fear that someone they care about may be permanently harmed and that the other person’s harm will cause them pain or guilt. A need to save, rescue, and fix may also arise when we don't want to face what is occurring in our present reality. It's easier to jump into others' business to avoid our own.

I see this desire to "fix" others in myself when I am having difficult emotions that I haven't yet recognized and allowed. I find myself barking orders to my husband or kids when I'm seeking something to control because I'm uncomfortable with the uncontrollable parts of my life. 

Byron Katie, author and spiritual teacher, states- "There are only three kinds of business in the universe: mine, yours, and God's." (Swap Mother Nature for God if "God" doesn't work for you.) She argues that the more time we spend in other's business, the less we are in the present moment and that our happiness is proportional to our capacity to experience the present moment.

Acknowledging that we can't control people or situations and are best served not to interfere in other people's business may initially make one feel disempowered or disconnected. 

So, how do we stay in the present moment and connect to those around us, thereby acknowledging our common humanity?

We do this by replacing fear with love. 

We stay connected to our body. What do we see, hear, smell, taste, and feel?

We hold space for the pain, recognize and allow it, and hear what they wish to share with an open heart, without judgment or criticism. 

We commit to our belief in their unshakable goodness and our unconditional support. 

We release the need for control and the desire for a specific outcome.

By turning toward love, we strengthen our connection to others and allow them to live their journey surrounded by the pillow of tenderness and warmth.