Boundaries: An essential ingredient to living your fullest life

My office is stacked with journals and organizers and shelves full with various time management and productivity books. This love of organization and time management started in college with the thought that managing my schedule and responsibilities was just a matter of the right system. I thought with the right system I could conquer my to-do list and get it all done. As a busy physician with research and administrative roles and mom of two boys, it eventually became clear that I couldn’t do it all. I realized I couldn’t please everyone and that decisions about how I spent my time needed to come from within me rather than being dictated by things outside of me. I needed boundaries to define for myself and others how I wanted to engage. I used to think about boundaries with a negative connotation; as things that separate us from others-think border wall. They felt selfish. This may be in part because as a woman I was culturally socialized to be a people pleaser and caregiver; to sublimate my needs for the needs of others as well as a thought that in order to achieve, I had to do what others wanted of me.

Once I started setting boundaries, I realized that boundaries aren’t for other people to follow. Rather they guide me on how I will respond to other people’s actions and behaviors that don’t align with my values or my needs. They are not meant to prevent me from saying “yes,”rather they provide a choice to say “no.” It brings structure to my needs and helps me express them. To quote Brené Brown in Dare to Lead, “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.” Boundaries can make things clear.

When is a boundary needed?

In her book Set Boundaries and Find Peace, Nedra Tawwab identifies the signs that a boundary is needed:

1. You feel resentment toward people asking for help

2. You feel overwhelmed; 

3. You have thoughts that others take from you more than you receive from them; 

4. You believe that you are the only one that is being responsible; 

5. You avoid emails, phone calls, and interactions with people you think might ask something of you;

6. You day dream about dropping everything and disappearing;

7. You feel like you have no time for yourself

For a long time, I would get a surge of energy, almost panic, when I opened my email on my phone. I would check my phone for work emails at any moment of the day. It was a habit, a compulsion. Eventually, I became aware that I could be in the middle of an enjoyable dinner and then absentmindedly look at my email, see a request from a colleague, and became annoyed and distracted. I was resentful of people sending emails at all hours, asking for all sorts of things that I felt responsible for. I asked some of my team members to not email over the weekend. But, of course, they did. Eventually, I realized I am only responsible for my actions, so I needed to expect myself, not others, to change. If I didn’t want emails to disrupt my evenings and weekends, I had to set a boundary with myself to not look at my work email during the evenings or weekends. Other boundaries may be having work time without interruptions from staff or coworkers, not working after hours, or deciding when you will or won’t give the talk, review the manuscript, or overbook your schedule with an added meeting. 

Creating your boundary

After you recognize that you need a boundary, the next step is to identify what underlying need is not being met and gives rise to resentment, overwhelm, etc. Identifying and stating our needs can be challenging for many, particularly for women. We are so often taught to adapt to others needs and to fit into the situation. But the reality is we have needs, and not getting them met leads to resentment, anger, fatigue, and even depression. The tendency to put our needs aside for someone else’s needs assumes a limited supply. Getting our needs met doesn’t mean that others will lose out. By stating our needs and listening to others' needs, we open to new possibilities. 

To understand your needs, consider spending some time journaling about a situation(s) when you felt: resentment, overwhelm, that others take more than you receive from them, like you had no time for yourself, you are the only one responsible, you wanted to hide or disappear, or that you avoided others you think what something from you. Consider some of the questions below. Dive more deeply into the one that fits best with your situation to understand your need that is calling to be attended to.

• What did you really want to have happened in the situation? 

• What would it take to feel like you had time for yourself?

• What would it take to not feel overwhelmed? What would you need to believe?

• What does balanced give and take in a relationship look and feel like?

• What is holding you back from saying no?

• What do you think is your fair share of responsibility? 

Now that you have an idea of what you need, consider whether filling the need requires changing your behavior alone or someone else would need to change their behavior too? Sometimes, our boundary is with ourselves and requires us to just show up differently. It may be to stop saying “yes” to everything or state truthfully what we are willing and able to do rather than letting others define your role or feel internally pressured to do more. Other times, we may need to ask someone else to behave differently. You can’t expect others to change behavior, even when they have a strong desire to. Your boundary is about how you will respond when they repeat the behavior you have asked them to change. You can ask others to behave differently, we just can’t control what they will do. We can only control our response. 

Getting clear on what you need, what is in your control to meet your need, and how you will respond if you don’t get what you need are the keys to creating boundaries.  

Communicating your boundary

Even when boundaries are with ourselves, we still need a communication strategy. Think about who will be affected. Our behaviors, whether we like it or not, impact those around us. If we are changing routine behaviors as part of our new boundary, then we are well served to let others know our plans and what to expect from us. Once I decided to stop checking and responding to email at all hours of the day, I had a conversation with my team about responsiveness to emails. I let them know that I wouldn’t be responding outside of work hours and that I didn’t expect them to either. I let them know why I was making this change. It was not to ignore their questions and needs, but to give me time to rejuvenate away from work. I thought we could find a way for me to be a good leader, get things done, and have evenings and weekends to be free of work. This was met with respect and understanding as transparent, authentic, and open communication often is.

When your need and boundary involves others to change, you’ll need to communicate what you would like them to do to get your needs met. This isn’t about the other person being good or bad, it’s about engaging their support for your well-being. If your needs feel in conflict with their needs and the relationship is important, you’ll need to collaborate and co-create a way to get both of your needs met. If this occurs, it’s helpful to approach this conversation stating the intention that you want everyone to get what they need. Then be clear about what you need. Be creative and optimistic that you’ll find a new way of doing things.

You’ll also want to consider and communicate what your response will be when the behavior doesn’t change. Anticipate having to assertively and clearly restate your needs, the boundary, and consequences of not honoring the boundary, i.e. your actions. Your actions will vary depending on the situation. 

Examples include: 

1. Someone violates a space boundary that you have set with them, your response - you leave the room where they are; 

2. You’ve asked your mother to call before coming over, she comes unannounced - you invite her into the house; 

3. You and your manager have talked about last minute assignments that require after hours work, you stated that you won’t be able to complete these as part of your current role - Your manager gives you an assignment at 5 pm that is due at 8 am - your response - let your manager know when you will be able to complete the work (tomorrow at noon for example). 

These may all feel scary and there may be consequences to these actions. It is then up to you to make the choice to maintain the boundary and trust that what happens next is what is meant for you or to release the boundary and recognize your choice to do so. You can choose to adjust what you consider as physically comfortable; to let your mom in whenever she arrives; or to work after hours at the discretion of your manager. These choices are not inherently bad. The trick is to own your choices. It also helps to believe that expressing yourself kindly, clearly, and confidently is not harmful to others, even if the other person  feels uncomfortable at that moment. Your job is to be kind and clear, not to make the other person feel good. They may have their own lessons to learn and your communication may be supporting their learning. It’s hard to know. Your job is to be true to yourself.

Now, I use boundaries to stay aligned with my values. Boundaries can help us engage with the world in a clear and confident way that supports our well-being, our safety, and our relationships. When we trust our capacity to protect and communicate what we need, we give ourselves the opportunity to  live open-heartedly and receive what the world has to share.